The Three Basic Kinds Of Commercials

First there are those commercials with people having a good time. They're usually doing something else: driving a car, drinking a soft drink, chewing gum. But the point is that they're with friends, and they're all having a lot of fun. So riddle me this, batman -- what part of having fun has to do with the product they're selling? Most of these commercials you could swap the products out, have the same commercial and it wouldn't matter. So why is somebody paying millions of dollars to show me happy people? Beats me.
The second type is the funny ones. These I like watching. We all do. It's almost like a national pastime. Who could forget the buxom young lass in the "Go Daddy" commercial during the superbowl? But even these commercials -- who really cares? It's not like I ever buy the product because a commercial made me laugh. If anything, it just becomes a joke to share with friends. Most of the time, they are not even that funny. So you smile for ten seconds. This is a worthwhile exchange?
Finally, and this has gotten worse over the last ten years, there are the people talking about my nether regions. Now I'm sure it's a great thing to be regular, to have a good romantic life, and to not suffer from feminine itch, but do we have to talk about these things all the time? Geesh! Between all the itching, scratching, and defecating people are worrying about it's a wonder they have time to get any work done. Look -- there's a couple of these ladies on TV (and you know who I mean) that just need a cold shower. Ok, look. I'm really glad your husband or whoever takes a little pill every couple of days, but listen up, wench, it's not something you should be talking about on national TV. Would you want him on TV talking about your new breast augmentation and how much better you are now? I didn't think so.
And I'm very sorry so many people have trouble going to the bathroom. Really I am. If you gotta go all the time, you probably need a pill, a diaper, or God knows some kind of help. But look it up on the internet, okay? Don't ask me, don't call me on the phone and ask me, and don't be telling me about it on TV. If incontinent people are so intellectually lazy that they can't be trusted to find out their own information then maybe we should be selling intelligence-boosting pills to go along with the other ones.
The bonus type that really irks me is the lawyers, who are also new to TV. I think what bothers me the most is the effort these attorneys make to sound like Robin Hood or something. They're always caring about you, out for the little guy. They never mention the millions they make because of suffering, or how they get paid to fight, and the more money the bigger the fight. To hear them talk about it, they all park their white horses out back. Give me a break.
I'm done now. Gee. I feel a lot better now.