Season of Ranting

Harry Reid

Harry Reid runs the local library. Better make sure your books are returned on time! Expect to see Harry out early and often talking about how bad the White House is. He hopes voters will hate the White House enough to vote his party in. Good luck Harry! And I'll have those books back first thing in the morning.

John Warner

John Warner ran for sherrif and won. Or at least he thinks he did. He never can seem to remember to wear his star, or where he parked the car. He's very serious and important. Let's not tell him otherwise. Expect John to be out saying ponderous things about our national security. Sherrif John is a no-nonsense guy and is looking out for us. Either that or he forgot to take his medication again. John's on the Republican team. And he chairs the Senate Armed Services Committe. If something bad happens with the military, John will be out saying everything is okay. Aircraft carrier sinks? We planned on it. Can't remember where we put the Third Marine Division? It'll turn up somewhere. Good luck, John! And I was ony doing 40 in a 55, so can I leave now?

Nancy Pelosi

Nancy Pelosi sells Tupperware and Mary Kaye. She's one of those folks that no matter what question you ask her, she's always trying to sell something to you. You say -- "looks like a beautiful day!" and she says -- "just the kind of day to buy some new bowls!" She's the minority leader in the House Of Representatives, so she's Harry's buddy. Nancy is really good at staying on message, whatever the message of the week is. You can find out the message b y whatever she says -- because the questions really won't make a difference to her. Famine in Africa? "The administration is inept" Head on fire? "The administration is inept" Exploding gophers on the roof? "The Administration is inept" Good luck, Nancy! And I already have that set of bowls at home. Really I do.

Deacon Arlen Specter

Arlen Specter is the guy who goes to the local church who takes too long to pray or speak. The minister will call on him for something, and there goes Alren, giving a 47-minute lecture on the meaning of life in the modern world and the history of rust. Arlen's a smart guy, but he has a tendency to pontificate and dredge his way through any conversation. He's on the Republican team. I think the plan is to have him lecture the democrats to death. Good luck, Arlen! I heard the first few words of that last TV appearance. It was great. Something about life and the universe?

Dancin' Joe Biden

Dancin' Joe is a legend. A legend in his own mind. Joe runs the local newspaper, and he knows everything about everything. Don't believe him? Just ask. He can give you a 30-minute speech about any topic, complete with sound bites and visual effects, on demand. Once a local First Grader asked Joe if he thought it would snow a lot this Winter, and Joe gave a weather briefing, iincluding a collegiate level discussion of tropcial winds, until Winter actually arrived and it started snowing. Then Joe said, "See? Am I right or am I right?" Joe has failed to use his powers for good, however, and tends to hit any topic he feels like. Somebody said Joe never had a thought he didn't speak. Joe's on the Dem team, and he's probably their best foreign policy guy. If there's a foreign polkcy question in the news, Joe will be on TV telling us how he already predicted the problem, the roots of the problem, the seven ways the problem could get worse, and his custom-designed prescription for making things better. He might also have T-Shrits and coffee cups for sale. Good luck, Joe! And I already have a subscription. Really loved that 15-page article last week on the roots of central-African fire dancing and it's relationship to pre-Soviet nose-picking. Man, that was something else. Something else. Wow. Gosh! Look at the time! Gotta run!

Lindsey Graham

Lindsey runs the local funeral home. He wants to get into the Moose Club but they won't let him. So he's always sucking up to everybody trying to get a few extra votes. Lindsey is on the Republican team and he is a member of the "Gang of 14", a motorcycle gang that rides their hogs through the halls of Congress in the evening terrorizing the staffers. If there's a chance of a judicial filibuster, look for Lindsey on TV telling us how good the Republicans are and how he likes everybody, including the Democrats. Why can't we all just be friends? Good luck, Lindsey! You got my vote, and nice bike!

The Peanut Gallery

It's going to be a wild year the pollsters tell us. The voters over here hate the president, the president's party, the other party, the Congress, most of the people who are related to any of them, and anybody named "Buck". Gas prices are too high for us and the politicians can't fix it, so expect a lot of lying and shouting, which is what politicians do when they can't fix things. Each week or two both sides will come out with something we're supposed to be really mad about. Usually we don't fall for the first one, but they keep trying until something gets most of us mad. As for me, i want something with hookers, corrupt politicians, spies, and poker games. Wait -- we've already got one of those scandals. I'm a very discerning voter, however.

I wonder if they could do something with muppets?