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The Twelve Days Of Nerdmas
My true love, darling of my life, asked me yesterday what I wanted for Christmas. When you get to be an old and cranky nerd like me, you've already collected a lot of every kind of whack-job tech-toy out there. I mean, I have the black AND white I-Pod Nanos. I got the smart phone with 4GB of storage. I got the tablet notebook with the cool little fingerprint reader. I got stuff all over the place. So what do I want this year?
Well for once, I've decided I have had enough with compromising! This year, I don't want to be limited by what's actually in production or what really exists per se. Dagnabbit, I want to just let loose and tell the old lady what I really want, or as Dr. Phil would say, it's time to get real, folks.
So here it is, my friends, my list of items. While technically not in existence, these items are on my wish list for Christmas. I'm a consumer: I can say it, why can't I buy it? Gimme gimme!
In case Bill Gates or Santa Claus is reading this, I want to state for the record I've been good all year long. Mostly. Yes, there was that incident involving the monkey costume and the drunken circus clown, but honestly, I didn't know that those flatulence spray cans are actually explosive. Who did? It doesn't say so on the can. So let's just discard that one small incident. After all, there was no police report, and that should count for something. We're tech folks, right? Actually, I've heard that Santa probably gets some kind of XML downloads from the cops. He's certainly not managing that database using a pencil. He probably has some kind of clustered Beowulf server farm up there. Santa's a Linux man, for sure.
So I'm taking the Twelve Days Of Christmas Song and putting together a litte kick-ass list of stuff that I should already be playing around with right now. Let's get to it:
On the 1st day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
A Flat HDR Wall TV - Those guys at BrightSide Technology are on to something. HDR is the way to go, whether it is in print or on the screen. So saddle up to my new 6-foot, 4320p Extreme HDR Wall monitor. Displaying everything from a realistic moonless night sky (with galaxies) to broad daylight bright enough to blind you, this totally flat monitor comes with true 3-D technology. Oh -- and I want to watch the Sci-Fi channel on Satellite when it's raining, is that too much to ask?On the 2nd day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Two PS5s - PS3? That's baby stuff. I want the PS FIVE, the one that floats off the ground and has frickin laser beams shooting out of it all over the place. The one that walks the dog while you're playing so you don't have to get up. I'll need one for the living room and one for the bathroom (People should get up for some things)On the 3rd day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Three Stealth Planes - I've played Flight Simulator (all versions). I've been in dogfights with people from all over the world (on the net). I think it's about time I had some stealth planes to tool around in. Nothing fancy -- I want VTOL, optical stealth, nuclear electric jet, and sub-orbital capability. Just something to run out to the store for eggs and such. You don't have to bother wrapping it or anything. After all, that would give away the stealth now, wouldn't it? Can I have it in blue?On the 4th day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Four Ceylon Babes - I know what some of you are thinking -- this is an obvious crass, male-chauvinist attempt to have those awesome Ceylon hotties chicks for Christmas. Little do you know, this is actually part of a scientific study about the realism of robotics. We've all seen that cute android from Japan, and it's time somebody started researching robot babes females. Now don't you feel bad? Somebody has to do some in-depth exploration of the uncanny valley.(Please, no one remind me of the end of the Star Trek episode "I Mudd"!)
On the 5th day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Five Golden Wiis - This Wii stuff is getting crazy. People are getting up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go stand in line to get a number just to have a chance to buy a Wii. Five golden Wiis, and I'm thinking a little time on E-bay and I'm spending the rest of my twelve days of Christmas in the French Riviera. How do you say, "More suntan lotion, Monique," in French?On the 6th day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Six Replicators - How could you go wrong with a replicator gift? It's the perfect gift for the guy who has everything. If he wants something new, he just mentions it and blammo, there it is. This is a lot better than Amazon.com -- the shipping is free every time, there is no charge, and they don't bug the snot out of you to join that stupid premium program.On the 7th day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Seven Warp Speed Shuttles - Let's face it, there are times when the invisible stealth planes just aren't enough. So for those times I need warp shuttles. I know what you are thinking, "Gee, Daniel, don't you already have enough?" Those of you who ask that? You can go jump in a cold lake. A man without warp shuttles is a man without contact with intelligent extraterrestrial life. What kind of existence is that? It's like living in the stone age for goodness sake.On the 8th day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Eight Anti-Grav Boots - Handy around the house, handy around the yard. Useful in space too. Plus, with the 90-day full warranty, if you float away out of the atmosphere you can file a claim and get replacement boots for free. And they take payments.On the 9th day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Nine Backup Androids - I'm a computer guy -- I know you have to have backups. Yet where, pray tell, are my backups? Nowhere, that's where. It's time I instituted a backup policy for my brain. I figure rotating androids with a full backup every month or so. I don't mind missing fat Aunt Ethel's birthday, but I'd hate to miss an entire season of 24. Plus, if it's been a bad month, just go back to the last saved self and start over again for the next month. Worried about taking those skydiving lessons? With routine backups, you can give it a shot!On the 10th day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Ten Psychic Implants - Homeboy don't want no mundane psychic powers: like reading minds, floating around, predicting the future, and crap like that. I want something that nobody else has ever thought about. Something that will really stand out. Here's my list:
- Early fart detection. Yes -- I want to be a flatupath
- Ability to sense underwear colors. It just seems right
- Remote booger creation. Who hasn't wanted to put a big goober in the nose of some jerkhead speaking for too long?
- Ability to sing backwards. Amaze your friends! Sing with the Beatles! Say Devil stuff and nobody knows!
- Clean port-a-potty sense. Some things are measured in dollars. Some things are just ... priceless
- Earthworm mind-reading. I think earthworm minds are the last great frontier on this planet. Only they know the secret to stop Global Warming
- Illusion of dancing well. Gosh. I wish I had this in my twenties
- Shooting fire from my armpit. It seems so obvious to mention it, yet why go to the backyard barbeque when you can BE the backyard barbeque! Honey, stick a couple of those cheese weiners up under here and I'll have them ready in a jiffy.
- Cricket chirp projection. I've always wondered where the sound of a cricket chirp comes from. Maybe this one is already taken.
- Impervious to wedgies. Not that it bothers me, mind you, but I worry about the children. Always remember the children. Somebody should protect them from this scourge. I will be that man.
On the 11th day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Eleven Babes Of Baywatch - I could only find five babes, so I'll take a rain check on the other six. After all, who is going to mud-wrestle the Ceylon girls? You can't have them wrestle each other. That's not right. And you know, I've always been a problem swimmer.On the 12th day of Nerdmas my true love gave to me...
Twelve Yottabytes - Finally! A place to store my ultimate media collection, which includes everything that was ever created anywhere. A YottaByte is 1,208,925,819,614,629,174,706,176 bytes, in the standard Library-of-Congress measurement, if you stacked the Library of Congress on top of itself over and over again, by the time you got to 12 YB the stack would be circling Uranus 4376 billion times. That's a lot of trips around Uranus if you ask me. In addition, you could take these Libraries of Congress and make a giant statue of the Pillsbury Dough Boy that reach almost to Sirius. Wonder if Google Desktop can handle that? I've got the new Duo rig, so that should help.
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Mighty, mighty hilarious! Or maybe you're being completely serious? So in the Land of Nerd I guess Borg chicks are OUT and Ceylon chicks are IN? You Mudd.
I'd love to have a Wii. Looks like a gaming system where you can pick up the controller(s), have fun for a while, then put it back down without devoting 1,000's of hours.
Brilliant!
Dude, you missed your calling. You should be a comedy writer. I know this guy...