My StressMaster Chair is Stressing me out

First, it never works when it should. You plug up the chair, sit there, and push the button on the remote control (did I mention the remote control?) It does -- nothing.

This is why I got it on sale. The office store guys thought it was broken. It's not broken, it just sucks hiney.

After a minute or two of pressing the button every so often, the little power light comes on. Sometimes you can then push the timer button or select one of the massages.

But not most times.

Most times you push the button and --- nothing happens. If you sit for a couple of minutes pushing the button, still nothing happens.

You might think that it is broken, but that, alas, is not the case. If you then power off, then spend another few minutes powering on, you can press the buttons and the chair will respond.

Most times.

Sometimes it doesn't listen to you at all. It has sensors, somewhere in there, that make sure there's a real, live, person sitting in the chair. Obviously, we wouldn't want people calling in from Aruba and making the chair dance around by itself, so measures must be taken to be sure a person is actually IN the chair.

Sometimes it doesn't like the button you pressed. Some times it ignores you. Some times you pressed the button too quickly -- it doesn't like that. You have to wait a few seconds -- somewhere between 4 and 10 seconds -- before pushing the next button.

My chair doesn't like a lot of things. I'm beginning to think that I might be one of them.

But eventually, you get the control warmed up, you get into the rhythm of how often you can press buttons, and you're humming along. 15 or 30 minutes spent just zoning out and getting a great massage. When those times are finished, I feel like a new man.

Or, sometimes it's not like that. Sometimes you spend fifteen minutes desperately mashing buttons, cursing the gods, jumping up and down in the chair so it thinks you are there, counting the number of seconds between clicking. Sometimes you twist and contort, thrusting your finger at the buttons, finally kicking the chair across the room and stubbing your toe. Sometimes when it is like this, you do NOT feel like a new man. You feel like a sucker for spending good money on a poorly-designed piece of electronic office trash that no person in their right mind would put up with. You want to grab the chair and run into the office store, swinging at random passerbys like a politician passing out twenties at a political blogger meeting. You look around for the can of gasoline you left out next to the mower, and mumble things under your breath regarding the procreative habits of the chair designers' families.

I think perhaps the chair could have been designed better.

It's a really cool chair, though. I wonder if they have it in white?