Results tagged “Humor”

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government
pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down
the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond,
drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Russian Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch
any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US
government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money
to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed tempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow has Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD).
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk..
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy..

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state
tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Because I have been reading Sarah Palin's book "Going Rogue," I have been thinking and talking about politics. Btw, I finished the book today and I recommend it. Sarah is definitely one of the 'common' people and her story is an interesting. Even more interesting to me was the way the Republican campaign was run.

Now back to Dave Barry. Here is a quote I ran across and thought I would share it for a chuckle!

"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to trust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy.

The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club."

Yep, folks, you heard it here first! NASA has announced the next astronauts that will be heading to the moon. You can see their picture here. NASA has decided that a family would be a great choice for the next mission and I am sure you will agree. Of course, the fact that the family had all recently gone on a shopping spree at the House of Blues was what clinched NASA's decision.

"This family is on a mission from God," one NASA spokesman reported.

I received this photo in an email. It was so good, I had to pass it on:)

A couple of nights ago, I had an insight. I was lying awake, listening to the new sounds of apartment living and thinking about the things Daniel bought for his apartment here that we don't have at home. For instance, he purchased an electric toothbrush and Act and mouthwash. He purchased these Wick air fresheners that periodically spray out fresh scent.

We have air freshners in our bathrooms at home, you know the kind that you spray when you are trying to cover up what you have been doing... We actually have a funny story about air freshners. Several years ago, we had our pastor and his wife over for dinner. My oldest, Bruce, had gone to the restroom and liberally sprayed the citrus scented spray (after all the Pastor was there).

As the smell circulated through the house, Pastor Randy sniffed appreciatively and said...hmmm, are those cookies I smell? We laughed until we cried...fortunately Pastor Randy and Chrissy did too!

So back to my original thought. I was pondering how we feel the need to 'cover up our scent' with everything from air fresheners to frequent bathing and shampooing and lotions. And how that it is much like our kitty cats...after all, when they go to the bathroom, they sniff and if they smell it, they cover it up.

Okay....I didn't say it was profound or anything...it just struck me as funny!

Ever had one of those days? You know the kind...things just keep going wrong and it gets to the point where all you can do is laugh...

Well, let me fill you in on my last 24 hours...

It all started Thursday evening. My free anti-virus subscription on my new laptop had expired. So Thursday, I purchased a copy of Norton 360 which would cover my computer and Jack's and one other if we needed it. I came home, and went to install it. Well, first it said I needed to do a live update for the latest info. We have Satellite at our house and satellite across the street at our business. The business satellite is designed for business use, we can do things faster there and we can have more data flowing through. I was here at home and on a whim I clicked on the update, a window popped up that basically informed me that it would be something like 49,000,000,000 minutes before the update was complete! We tried calculating how many hours, days and years that would be...let's just say WAY TOO MANY! So I cancelled the update for the moment. Then I went on with the install.

Well, silly me, you have to delete McAfee (the free trial I had) before you install Norton...you could practically see the smoke steaming because I had another antivirus protection program on my computer! I did that, then returned to the install.

Katrina is starting to have some interest in the cmputer. We have set her up with an email account and today she was typing an email. She knew that if there was a red line under a word then that word was mispelled, but she had forgotten how to fix it. So I told her to right click and a list would pop up so she could choose the right spelling.

She typed for a moment, then said 'Nothing's happening!' I turned the computer toward me and noticed she had typed 'click'. I went to the word, showing her what to do and correcting her word (wondering why she had typed the word 'click.') which I told her to erase.

A few moments later, she had another misspelling. I reminded her that all she had to do was right click and the list would pop up. She said 'Mommy, I wrote click the last time and it didn't work!' I about died laughing!!!!

I was chuckling and she was looking at me wondering why I was laughing at her. I reached toward the mouse pad and I said 'left click, right click'. Then we both had a good belly laugh!